i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
