Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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