awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Randomize
