everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
