my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
