my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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