Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
