I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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