My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
