there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
