my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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