When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
