Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
