I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
