Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
