so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
