He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize