I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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