Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she woke up with a sticky ear
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
