dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Randomize
