if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
