this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
