Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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