I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
