I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
