I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
