did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
