I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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