Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
