You really coming over, don't trick.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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