We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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