the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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