i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
