ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
