I think im going to throw up on grandma
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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