I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
