I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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