Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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