fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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