I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
