She is in my trunk
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
