Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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