It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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