he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
