the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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