I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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