i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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