The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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