This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
