Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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