he thought i was a dude.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Randomize
