but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
