oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
