i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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