I'm sorry my penis didn't work
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You left your underwear on the fireplace
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
