i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
