I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
