OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
