oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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