im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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